Learning to Pray and Trust

I am overwhelmed by so many things. So many things that seem so big to me, and I don't see the solution anywhere. It's easy to complain and be unsettled and worry, worry, worry. Often I forget that these things that cause me worry are good things and blessings in my life that the Lord has given to me, things that I was hoping and asking for - my job, my friends, my church family, my service at church, my health insurance, my health.

I was convicted on this while listening to one of Ginny Owens songs, Free. 
Towards the beginning of the song, she sings "bearing gifts as if they're burdens..." There are so many people in this world that don't have a fraction of the things I do. I should be ashamed when I complain about the problems I face that come with all of these gifts that have been bestowed on me.

I'm so thankful for my friend Jill's blog for her continual discipline to praise God for all of the good things (in the midst of difficult circumstances) He has put in her life.

Living a life of praise and thankfulness is a discipline, not a natural outpouring of an easy and charmed life.

It's funny - I was mentally reviewing my list of worry-causing things yesterday as I was driving home from work. I am seeking to pray more about them instead of spending my time worrying about them. It was so much easier to live worry free when I was 18, 20.... when my life was mostly void of difficult and/or complicated situations and problems.
As I try to think about all those things right now, they are refusing to coalesce into my mentally compiled list. And I'm okay with that. I don't want to review it. Again. I need to learn to entrust these things to God, to believe His word.

I Peter 5:6-7 (ESV) 

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Psalm 40:17

As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!

Psalm 40:5
You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.

Oh, to live my life believing what I say I believe... it is what He intended.

What is it that I live my life for?

I have had the opportunity and privilege to sit under the teaching of the Word of God more in my 30 years than many people have in their entire life. I've read through the whole Bible, been involved in all sorts of ministries (and still am) and yet I find myself going through the motions, trying to get to the end of each day and get as much time as I can for myself... to rest, recuperate, be entertained, collect things, impress people...
It is a tireless existence often lacking joy and peace.

Every so often, I remember why I'm on this earth - to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and to make His glory known to others - and I live by that for a short while. But it quickly evaporates and I'm left in the doldrums again.

At my church, we lost a wonderful woman at the age of 50 to a heart attack. I don't like being reminded that this world, this life is temporary. I prefer to live in oblivion, not paying attention to the future and thinking that this good life I've got right now will continue on indefinitely. But what I have isn't the good life. It's filled with good things, good by most people's standards. I have a loving and supportive family, a fiance who loves me dearly, my own home, a full-time job, a car, enough money to live comfortably, dear friends (near and far), a good season of health, a church that I love and enjoy ministering in, and the list goes on.

Sometimes I think, it can't get much better than this. Soon things will start to go badly. I will lose people close to me (even though they gain heaven I will still grieve), something will happen with my job and/or I won't have enough money to pay my bills, my car will die (more money going out), my health will get worse, I will turn from God's purpose in my life to seek my own will...

When I write them out, I guess those are my biggest fears. Daniel is always telling me to stop worrying about stuff because most of it never happens. I understand that and agree with him, but I have a hard time putting it into practice.

I am afraid because my current support structure consists of those things that I am afraid of losing - people, money, comfort, friends, earthly possessions.

My dependence is not on God alone. I have allowed many things (thorn bushes, Matt 4:7) to rise up and choke out my spiritual growth. It is here that my Reformed theology starts struggling. The growth in my life is not caused by me. It is only a product of God and the Holy Spirit working in my life. My attempts at righteousness can never produce something good because I am soaked in sin.

This year in our study groups at church we studied a book, The Mortification of Sin by John Owen. It was convicting to read an approach to sin from a reformed perspective. Yes, it's God that causes the growth in our lives but we must do all that we can to ferret out the sin that tries to take hold in our lives. I fear there is much sin that has taken hold in my life, and I have just let it make it's home because it requires less energy to pursue holiness.

My pastor offers Biblical Counseling at our church and has a vision to have a counseling center one day. He asked me about pursuing certification because he thinks God's gifting in my life would lend me to minister to others in counseling. He has seen what others have seen in me before. I spent a good amount of time counseling girls during my time at Word of Life whether it was in the dorm as an RA or my summers spent in leadership at the different camps. I saw the fruit of God's word in their lives and I was blessed tremendously by using the Word of God to encourage them to obedience and submission to God and His plan for them. It was much easier for me to do it then, as I was still young and my life felt unencumbered by sin and mistakes (I also thought too much of myself).

Eleven years later, I have endured some very difficult trials. I have been broken more times than I personally felt was necessary, and I've been having a hard time picking up the pieces. Instead, I feel as though I'm waiting for the next breaking, the next sorrow, and I'm trying to make the in between times as comfortable and mindless as possible. I'm running away from life rather than living it.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
-Romans 7:24, NLT