I have had the opportunity and privilege to sit under the teaching of the Word of God more in my 30 years than many people have in their entire life. I've read through the whole Bible, been involved in all sorts of ministries (and still am) and yet I find myself going through the motions, trying to get to the end of each day and get as much time as I can for myself... to rest, recuperate, be entertained, collect things, impress people...
It is a tireless existence often lacking joy and peace.
Every so often, I remember why I'm on this earth - to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and to make His glory known to others - and I live by that for a short while. But it quickly evaporates and I'm left in the doldrums again.
At my church, we lost a wonderful woman at the age of 50 to a heart attack. I don't like being reminded that this world, this life is temporary. I prefer to live in oblivion, not paying attention to the future and thinking that this good life I've got right now will continue on indefinitely. But what I have isn't the good life. It's filled with good things, good by most people's standards. I have a loving and supportive family, a fiance who loves me dearly, my own home, a full-time job, a car, enough money to live comfortably, dear friends (near and far), a good season of health, a church that I love and enjoy ministering in, and the list goes on.
Sometimes I think, it can't get much better than this. Soon things will start to go badly. I will lose people close to me (even though they gain heaven I will still grieve), something will happen with my job and/or I won't have enough money to pay my bills, my car will die (more money going out), my health will get worse, I will turn from God's purpose in my life to seek my own will...
When I write them out, I guess those are my biggest fears. Daniel is always telling me to stop worrying about stuff because most of it never happens. I understand that and agree with him, but I have a hard time putting it into practice.
I am afraid because my current support structure consists of those things that I am afraid of losing - people, money, comfort, friends, earthly possessions.
My dependence is not on God alone. I have allowed many things (thorn bushes, Matt 4:7) to rise up and choke out my spiritual growth. It is here that my Reformed theology starts struggling. The growth in my life is not caused by me. It is only a product of God and the Holy Spirit working in my life. My attempts at righteousness can never produce something good because I am soaked in sin.
This year in our study groups at church we studied a book, The Mortification of Sin by John Owen. It was convicting to read an approach to sin from a reformed perspective. Yes, it's God that causes the growth in our lives but we must do all that we can to ferret out the sin that tries to take hold in our lives. I fear there is much sin that has taken hold in my life, and I have just let it make it's home because it requires less energy to pursue holiness.
My pastor offers Biblical Counseling at our church and has a vision to have a counseling center one day. He asked me about pursuing certification because he thinks God's gifting in my life would lend me to minister to others in counseling. He has seen what others have seen in me before. I spent a good amount of time counseling girls during my time at Word of Life whether it was in the dorm as an RA or my summers spent in leadership at the different camps. I saw the fruit of God's word in their lives and I was blessed tremendously by using the Word of God to encourage them to obedience and submission to God and His plan for them. It was much easier for me to do it then, as I was still young and my life felt unencumbered by sin and mistakes (I also thought too much of myself).
Eleven years later, I have endured some very difficult trials. I have been broken more times than I personally felt was necessary, and I've been having a hard time picking up the pieces. Instead, I feel as though I'm waiting for the next breaking, the next sorrow, and I'm trying to make the in between times as comfortable and mindless as possible. I'm running away from life rather than living it.
Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?
-Romans 7:24, NLT
