What a whirlwind of feelings and emotions I am dealing with.
I am to be married in a week's time from tomorrow. I have waited for this day for so long and cannot wait to be with my love everyday. I hate saying goodbye, I hate not seeing him for a day or two or three.
But I'm also afraid. I'm afraid of being faced with my own selfishness, of having someone always around to see each and everyone of my faults that are so easy to cover up when I am living alone. I'm afraid of having to face my own sin that I have constructed blinders to ignore. From what I've read and come to understand, marriage is rich with blessings... and some of those blessings are hard blessings - sanctification. It is the closest relationship on earth, and by nature it will force us to confront sin in our own lives (that is, if we hope to have a healthy marriage). Are we up to it? I pray to God we are.
These steps we are taking are tremendous steps and they are driving me to prayer more and more. I have experienced stagnation in my prayer life over the past years - largely I think due to the "control" I feel I have over my own, single life. The more I keep outside influences and people at bay, the less there is I feel that is outside my realm of control, a false sense of control albeit.
I thought my dog, Heidi was going to die yesterday. She took a new medicine and I think it caused an extremely adverse reaction. I felt that I spent most of yesterday on a death watch. Thank the Lord, she's doing better today.
I think I'm so attached to her because she was there with me through my darkest times of my health struggle. I've had her for over 8 years. She can be a nightmare at times - barking, jumping on people, making messes - but she was there with me when all I could do was sleep day after day, when I had no energy to work or go places or even prepare meals for myself. I remember one day when I was laying on the sofa watching tv and she climbed up on the other end of the sofa, laid down and started inching her way towards my head until she got right next to me and just laid there with me. This was when she was still crazy hyper (thankfully, she's calmed down a bit in her older years) and would hardly sit still for a moment, but she did to comfort me.
While I was dealing with all of that yesterday, I kept thinking to myself - how in the world will I manage, if the Lord blesses us with children, when they get sick? I felt like I could hardly function yesterday. I couldn't focus on anything, hardly got anything done, and I was so worried about Heidi. How much more difficult will it be with my kids? Talk about being driven to my knees in prayer... how do parents do it?
As it is, I worry a lot. And in comparison, it's about stupid stuff. I could have a field day when it comes to my family. Oh, to trust my burdens to the Lord...
One week, and I will be a wife. I am so excited for this new journey in life, and so scared about the new trials I am to encounter. May the Lord find me faithful.
