I do enjoy writing. But these medicines make my head hurt and it's hard to focus. I am again putting off the continuation of my story and instead writing about more recent events that are much easier to recall!
I started my new medicine on Friday - it's a cyst-buster. Not to get too complicated, Lyme disease can form protective cysts in your body (I have no clue how big - probably tiny) and it is resistant to medicines. It just kind of hangs out in your body, hibernating, until prime conditions (illness, stress) arise for a reemergence. Unless you kill the cysts, the LD will be back again... and again...
My doctor told me to take the new medicine either every weekend or every other weekend. When I asked him why, he said - you'll see. And I did see. Boy, did I feel terrible. I took Friday off (I have to take the meds Friday, Saturday, Sunday) because I was really nervous about the affects it would have on me. I didn't feel too awful on Friday morning, but started getting head-achy, tired and having joint pain. It got worse Friday night. Saturday I think I slept away half the day (always a nice way to pass the time when you don't feel well), had some severe joint and muscle pain, headaches, stomach upset...
I was really hoping to make it to church on Sunday morning and prayed specifically that I'd be okay for Sunday School and the service. With the help of a couple Tylenol, I made it. Sunday afternoon/evening I still felt crappy but it didn't seem as bad - either my body started getting used to it or my plumb line for how bad I feel got readjusted.
I'm still feeling the affects today, Tuesday... but it's gradually getting better. I am very glad that I don't have to take this medicine every weekend.
In the meantime, I've been looking up some other peoples' blogs on Lyme disease - if you're interested, take a look down the left side of my blog and look under the header "Lyme Blogs". There are so many people with similar (and way worse) stories.
I also found a great article through one of them called The Spoon Theory. I've already sent it to a few friends - but if you've not heard of it, I highly recommend reading it. It's written by a woman who was asked by her best friend what it's like to be chronically ill. She gave a very good, visual explanation that will help you to understand a bit more of a what a loved one or friend or coworker might be going through if they deal with illness on a daily basis. Thankfully, I feel I am blessed to not deal with quite the degree of daily illness that the writer of this article expounds on. But I have had seasons of illness when I have felt exactly the way she explains it.
I think I'll end this one with a favorite Bible verse:
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
~Psalm 73:25-26
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
*Insert Clever Title Here*
Well, this is not a continuation of my health saga. I'll get back to that sometime soon. Unfortunately, it's been a not so great week for me and the Lyme Disease.
Not to ruin the surprise (and what a great one it is) but I am still dealing with LD. I recently started medicine for it again, and it usually makes me feel worse instead of better. Lately, I've been really tired, mentally clouded (hence, the lack of blog posts lately), zombie-like, and I usually have a headache.
Thankfully, I don't always feel this way when I'm on medicine. There's good days and bad days, but I seem to be in a bad week. And it's probably going to end in a bad weekend. I'm nervous about starting a new medicine that I've never been on before. I'm supposed to take it only on the weekends (every or every other weekend) because it's probably going to make me feel really awful. I already don't feel so great, and I'm not looking forward to feeling worse. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll see what happens this weekend. At least I have a lot of books from the library, a comfy bed and an understanding husband.
On another subject, I've been mentally debating if I need to alter my diet. I already eat gluten free, and I've heard it can benefit LD patients to also eat casein free (present in dairy products), sugar free and caffeine free. I don't know if I can do it. I've got gluten free down, could easily do casein free since I don't eat much dairy. Caffeine would be a little harder but doable. But sugar? I think I may have a sugar addiction. Whenever I've tried to cut it out, I find myself craving it. There are many reasons why it's bad, among them the fact that sugar supresses your immune system.
But knowing you should do something and actually doing it are two different stories.
Anybody want to try it with me? :-)
Not to ruin the surprise (and what a great one it is) but I am still dealing with LD. I recently started medicine for it again, and it usually makes me feel worse instead of better. Lately, I've been really tired, mentally clouded (hence, the lack of blog posts lately), zombie-like, and I usually have a headache.
Thankfully, I don't always feel this way when I'm on medicine. There's good days and bad days, but I seem to be in a bad week. And it's probably going to end in a bad weekend. I'm nervous about starting a new medicine that I've never been on before. I'm supposed to take it only on the weekends (every or every other weekend) because it's probably going to make me feel really awful. I already don't feel so great, and I'm not looking forward to feeling worse. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll see what happens this weekend. At least I have a lot of books from the library, a comfy bed and an understanding husband.
On another subject, I've been mentally debating if I need to alter my diet. I already eat gluten free, and I've heard it can benefit LD patients to also eat casein free (present in dairy products), sugar free and caffeine free. I don't know if I can do it. I've got gluten free down, could easily do casein free since I don't eat much dairy. Caffeine would be a little harder but doable. But sugar? I think I may have a sugar addiction. Whenever I've tried to cut it out, I find myself craving it. There are many reasons why it's bad, among them the fact that sugar supresses your immune system.
But knowing you should do something and actually doing it are two different stories.
Anybody want to try it with me? :-)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Back in the Doctor's Office (LD Post #7)
I saw my new Lyme disease doctor in December of 2009, hopeful that he would be able to pickup where the last doctor had left off. He ran a number of different tests on me, but we did not recheck for the Lyme disease and co-infections at that point to save money. We already knew that I had them. One of the most reliable labs to use for testing also does not take insurance (IGeneX), and testing for the Lyme disease and all the co-infections usually costs over $1000.
It took a little bit of time for all the results to get back to the doctor, and I went back to the office for a follow-up visit in February of 2010. We learned two very important things at that visit, and they'll both take a little bit of explaining.
New thing #1: CD-57 test
This link will give you more details if you're interested, but here's the Wendi summary.
I'm sure almost all of you are familiar with a T-cell count. It's the test they do on people that have the HIV infection, and it's a marker they check to see how active the infection is. A low T-cell count is a bad thing because it means the infection is active. In the same way, the CD-57 test checks a subset of specific cells that have been found to react to the Lyme infection. The lower the count, the more active the infection is.
Here's the numbers they use at LabCorp (best lab for this test):
It was a little surprising to have a result that low, but still I hadn't been feeling that great so it wasn't a huge shock. I started back on the antibiotics to treat the Lyme disease.
New thing #2: Gluten
One of the trendy things these days is to be "gluten-free". Ah, if only I was trendy. Flashback to my NJ doctor. Towards the end of the time I was seeing her, I had a borderline test result on a gluten allergy. She recommended that I cut back or cut gluten out of my diet. At that point I had already cut dairy out of my diet - and that had been very difficult for me. There were so many things that I had loved eating that had dairy - yogurt, chocolate milk, cheese.. But pain is a good motivator, and I had managed to cut it out of my diet. But gluten too? Do you know what gluten is in? EVERYTHING. Well, it seems that way when you first start out.
What is gluten? Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye and barley. It's the thing that gives elasticity and often chewiness to whatever it's in (think bread, cakes, cookies). And if any of you have ever eaten gluten-free products and found them lacking - well, it's probably because it's missing that certain something that gluten provides.
Unfortunately, gluten is also the hardest thing for the human body to digest. Well, other than coins and legos and such.
And this post is reaching the point of already being too long already and I have so much more to say about gluten.
It took a little bit of time for all the results to get back to the doctor, and I went back to the office for a follow-up visit in February of 2010. We learned two very important things at that visit, and they'll both take a little bit of explaining.
New thing #1: CD-57 test
This link will give you more details if you're interested, but here's the Wendi summary.
I'm sure almost all of you are familiar with a T-cell count. It's the test they do on people that have the HIV infection, and it's a marker they check to see how active the infection is. A low T-cell count is a bad thing because it means the infection is active. In the same way, the CD-57 test checks a subset of specific cells that have been found to react to the Lyme infection. The lower the count, the more active the infection is.
Here's the numbers they use at LabCorp (best lab for this test):
- 200 or higher normal, no Lyme disease
- 60-100 Have Lyme disease
- 0-60 seen in chronic Lyme disease
- 20 or less severe illness
It was a little surprising to have a result that low, but still I hadn't been feeling that great so it wasn't a huge shock. I started back on the antibiotics to treat the Lyme disease.
New thing #2: Gluten
One of the trendy things these days is to be "gluten-free". Ah, if only I was trendy. Flashback to my NJ doctor. Towards the end of the time I was seeing her, I had a borderline test result on a gluten allergy. She recommended that I cut back or cut gluten out of my diet. At that point I had already cut dairy out of my diet - and that had been very difficult for me. There were so many things that I had loved eating that had dairy - yogurt, chocolate milk, cheese.. But pain is a good motivator, and I had managed to cut it out of my diet. But gluten too? Do you know what gluten is in? EVERYTHING. Well, it seems that way when you first start out.
What is gluten? Gluten is a protein found in wheat, rye and barley. It's the thing that gives elasticity and often chewiness to whatever it's in (think bread, cakes, cookies). And if any of you have ever eaten gluten-free products and found them lacking - well, it's probably because it's missing that certain something that gluten provides.
Unfortunately, gluten is also the hardest thing for the human body to digest. Well, other than coins and legos and such.
And this post is reaching the point of already being too long already and I have so much more to say about gluten.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Living with Lyme Disease (LD Post #6)
So here we are at the beginning of 2008. I had just moved back to Florida and started dating Daniel. It had been a long, long time since I had dated anyone.
I was still taking a lot of pills. The amount varied, depending what I was on at the time. But between all the prescriptions and the nutritional supplements, I took something like 15-30 pills a day. Thankfully, I don't have a problem with taking pills. But I have definitely grown to not liking it. Maybe because it's a reminder that I need them?
I was still dealing with a lot of fatigue and weakness. I had always been a very active and strong (working in the greenhouses forces that one on you) and my body lost a lot of strength during my years of illness. It had a lot of damage to recover from.
I was going back to see my doctor in NJ every 3-4 months, and she continued to monitor my progress and switch up my medicines a bit. I think the last time I saw her was in the spring of 2009. I had kind of plateaued in my treatment. I was still taking pills and spending lots of money (especially if you consider the costs of traveling to NJ from FL) but not seeing much more noticeable improvement.
I stopped taking most of my medicine. I was also tired of taking antibiotics. I think by this point I had been on them for 1 1/2 years. Lyme disease isn't good for your body, but neither are a lot of antibiotics! I didn't notice a big change in how I was feeling when I stopped taking everything.
And then I got sick. It was probably in November of 2009 and I had a bad cold. More often than not, colds for me turn into sinus infections and I have to go on antibiotics for them. I had yet to find a GP here in Florida that I liked, so I went to a walk-in clinic. This was also when the swine flu was going around, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have that, being the immunocompromised individual that I am.
Thankfully, no swine flu. But they put me on antibiotics and prednisone (a steroid), which if you remember from a previous post, it's a bad thing for people with Lyme disease. But I didn't know that at the time. It's how I found out. Almost overnight, my joint pain returned along with some other symptoms. I stopped taking the prednisone after a little bit of research and started looking for a Lyme-literate doctor here in Florida, because I was afraid I had just given the Lyme disease a foothold.
I don't remember how I found my current doctor - it might have been on from some people I talked to online who had Lyme disease. And if you click on this link, you can read a little bit about why it's hard to find a good Lyme doctor.
I met with my new doctor and we spent a lot of time going over my complicated history (seems to be the mark of a good doctor - they spend time listening to you before making snap judgments). As for the money side of things, he was another doctor that did not take insurance. So we just focused on the important tests to save some money. Why did I have to get a politically incorrect disease?
So we ran the essential tests to figure out what was going on with my health. And we found out some interesting things!
I was still taking a lot of pills. The amount varied, depending what I was on at the time. But between all the prescriptions and the nutritional supplements, I took something like 15-30 pills a day. Thankfully, I don't have a problem with taking pills. But I have definitely grown to not liking it. Maybe because it's a reminder that I need them?
I was still dealing with a lot of fatigue and weakness. I had always been a very active and strong (working in the greenhouses forces that one on you) and my body lost a lot of strength during my years of illness. It had a lot of damage to recover from.
I was going back to see my doctor in NJ every 3-4 months, and she continued to monitor my progress and switch up my medicines a bit. I think the last time I saw her was in the spring of 2009. I had kind of plateaued in my treatment. I was still taking pills and spending lots of money (especially if you consider the costs of traveling to NJ from FL) but not seeing much more noticeable improvement.
I stopped taking most of my medicine. I was also tired of taking antibiotics. I think by this point I had been on them for 1 1/2 years. Lyme disease isn't good for your body, but neither are a lot of antibiotics! I didn't notice a big change in how I was feeling when I stopped taking everything.
And then I got sick. It was probably in November of 2009 and I had a bad cold. More often than not, colds for me turn into sinus infections and I have to go on antibiotics for them. I had yet to find a GP here in Florida that I liked, so I went to a walk-in clinic. This was also when the swine flu was going around, and I wanted to make sure I didn't have that, being the immunocompromised individual that I am.
Thankfully, no swine flu. But they put me on antibiotics and prednisone (a steroid), which if you remember from a previous post, it's a bad thing for people with Lyme disease. But I didn't know that at the time. It's how I found out. Almost overnight, my joint pain returned along with some other symptoms. I stopped taking the prednisone after a little bit of research and started looking for a Lyme-literate doctor here in Florida, because I was afraid I had just given the Lyme disease a foothold.
I don't remember how I found my current doctor - it might have been on from some people I talked to online who had Lyme disease. And if you click on this link, you can read a little bit about why it's hard to find a good Lyme doctor.
I met with my new doctor and we spent a lot of time going over my complicated history (seems to be the mark of a good doctor - they spend time listening to you before making snap judgments). As for the money side of things, he was another doctor that did not take insurance. So we just focused on the important tests to save some money. Why did I have to get a politically incorrect disease?
So we ran the essential tests to figure out what was going on with my health. And we found out some interesting things!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
On the Road to Recovery... and Marriage!
If I remember correctly, I lived in NJ for almost all of 2007. I made 4-6 trips back to Florida during that year because I still had work responsibilities I was overseeing in Florida that required me to check in on things.
During the times I was in Florida, I started visiting a church that two of my dear friends also attended. I don't know that I would have gone there on my own if they hadn't been there - it was a 40-45 minute drive from where I was currently living. But I was desperately feeling the need to connect with friends, and the long battle with illness had left my energy depleted.
Have you ever considered the amount of energy it takes to develop a friendship? And to maintain it? I found a lot of my friendships slipping to the wayside during my illness because I lacked the energy to spend on them. And I was dealing with serious depression and an inability to focus, coupled with headaches... well, it didn't make me the greatest person to be around and I didn't really want to be around people too much because it sapped me of my very limited energy. Compound that over 5 years and... well, you get the picture.
Back to the story. I was starting to feel better and hope had been restored to me (which did wonders for my mental well-being). I figured I would be moving back to Florida at some point, when I no longer had to see my doctor as frequently. And I was hoping to find a church that preached unashamedly from the Bible.
I was visiting the church in Florida sometime in September of 2007 (I had been diagnosed at the end of July and had started to see noticeable improvements in my health by this point). After the service, I was talking with some friends and was introduced to Daniel by his brother (who I met at VSO camp that summer - I'll have to write a whole other series of posts on camp!). I don't even remember what we talked about at that point.
I do remember talking with a few friends who had inquired about my health, and I told them about my diagnosis and how I was finally starting to feel better, that I felt almost like I had been in a mental coma over the past years and that I was waking up from this cloud that had enveloped me. I remember being so enthusiastic, so excited that it seemed like I was finally getting my life back - the life that I had given up on ever having again.
Daniel was there as I was talking, even though he doesn't remember the conversation now. I ended up going out for lunch with him, his family and a few other friends.
I flew back to NJ that week and... Daniel and I became friends on Facebook. Such a huge deal, I know :-) It kept us in touch, and we talked about playing racquetball when I was back in Florida again. I had played a little tennis when I was 14. Not well. Never racquetball.
But when I was back in Florida in November, we played racquetball along with his brother, Jacob, and our friend Aaron. Those of you who don't know Daniel should know that he is an extremely talented athlete and he works in recreation. He showed me the basics of racquetball, but it didn't help much. I managed to unintentionally hit all 3 of them in the head with the ball during the course of the game(s). Thankfully, "good racquetball player" wasn't on Daniel's list of requirements for a wife.
So we hung out a few times after that and we started officially dating before I went back to NJ for the December poinsettia rush. We spent a lot of time on the phone while I was up there, getting to know each other, and I moved back to Florida right before Christmas.
Well, that's enough for now. Not much about my battle with Lyme disease, but way more enjoyable to reminisce about! We'll get back to that in the next post.
Thanks for all your comments and encouragement!
During the times I was in Florida, I started visiting a church that two of my dear friends also attended. I don't know that I would have gone there on my own if they hadn't been there - it was a 40-45 minute drive from where I was currently living. But I was desperately feeling the need to connect with friends, and the long battle with illness had left my energy depleted.
Have you ever considered the amount of energy it takes to develop a friendship? And to maintain it? I found a lot of my friendships slipping to the wayside during my illness because I lacked the energy to spend on them. And I was dealing with serious depression and an inability to focus, coupled with headaches... well, it didn't make me the greatest person to be around and I didn't really want to be around people too much because it sapped me of my very limited energy. Compound that over 5 years and... well, you get the picture.
Back to the story. I was starting to feel better and hope had been restored to me (which did wonders for my mental well-being). I figured I would be moving back to Florida at some point, when I no longer had to see my doctor as frequently. And I was hoping to find a church that preached unashamedly from the Bible.
I was visiting the church in Florida sometime in September of 2007 (I had been diagnosed at the end of July and had started to see noticeable improvements in my health by this point). After the service, I was talking with some friends and was introduced to Daniel by his brother (who I met at VSO camp that summer - I'll have to write a whole other series of posts on camp!). I don't even remember what we talked about at that point.
I do remember talking with a few friends who had inquired about my health, and I told them about my diagnosis and how I was finally starting to feel better, that I felt almost like I had been in a mental coma over the past years and that I was waking up from this cloud that had enveloped me. I remember being so enthusiastic, so excited that it seemed like I was finally getting my life back - the life that I had given up on ever having again.
Daniel was there as I was talking, even though he doesn't remember the conversation now. I ended up going out for lunch with him, his family and a few other friends.
I flew back to NJ that week and... Daniel and I became friends on Facebook. Such a huge deal, I know :-) It kept us in touch, and we talked about playing racquetball when I was back in Florida again. I had played a little tennis when I was 14. Not well. Never racquetball.
But when I was back in Florida in November, we played racquetball along with his brother, Jacob, and our friend Aaron. Those of you who don't know Daniel should know that he is an extremely talented athlete and he works in recreation. He showed me the basics of racquetball, but it didn't help much. I managed to unintentionally hit all 3 of them in the head with the ball during the course of the game(s). Thankfully, "good racquetball player" wasn't on Daniel's list of requirements for a wife.
So we hung out a few times after that and we started officially dating before I went back to NJ for the December poinsettia rush. We spent a lot of time on the phone while I was up there, getting to know each other, and I moved back to Florida right before Christmas.
Well, that's enough for now. Not much about my battle with Lyme disease, but way more enjoyable to reminisce about! We'll get back to that in the next post.
Thanks for all your comments and encouragement!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Answers Explained (LD Post #5)
What in the world had happened? Why were so many things wrong with me? I had Lyme disease that went untreated for many years. I also had co-infections (often when people are bit by a bug infected with Lyme disease, that bug is also carrying other infections) that I may have had for just as long. Who knows? Maybe I had been bit multiple times? Whatever the case, my immune system was worn out from trying to fight off the Lyme disease and the co-infections. It was so depleted, it was unable to fight off the viruses that I'm sure my body in the past had sufficient antibodies present to keep in check. A tapeworm decided I would make a good host because of my barely functioning immune system. I started developing nutrient deficiencies and food allergies. All of this happened because it was too much for my body to handle.
We started treatment right away. I went on antibiotics for the UTI and she started me on nutritional supplements. I took something to kill the tapeworm. She told me to cut dairy out of my diet completely - and that I would probably notice the joint pain in my hips go away (a very strange symptom of food allergies in my opinion). She gave me a symptom chart to fill out everyday, to track what was happening with my body.
Oh, and I forgot to mention - she was another doctor that did not take insurance. There is a big, strange cloud surrounding Lyme disease that scares the CDC, health insurance companies, most doctors... and many of them deny the seriousness of Lyme disease, if they are willing to even diagnose it to begin with. It's absolutely baffling to me. Maybe I'll post more on that another time. Anyway, because of this, most doctors that know much about Lyme disease don't take insurance because (I think) they can't treat the disease when their hands are tied by insurance companies who tell them what they are allowed to give to patients and how long they can treat them for. The commonly held opinion is that 1 month of antibiotics will take care of Lyme disease, and that chronic Lyme disease doesn't exist (in other words, 1 month and you're cured for good). There are many people that are living truth of the absurdity of this claim. (If you're interested in knowing more about others' opinions on this matter, there's a great documentary out called Under Our Skin and it's available on Netflix Instant Queue). But enough about that for now.
I think in the beginning I was seeing the doctor every 2-4 weeks. I started on antibiotics for the Ehrlichiosis infection. We didn't start treating the Lyme disease right away, because you have to get the co-infections out of the way before you can effectively treat the Lyme disease. We started with the Ehrlichiosis (out of our 3 choices of co-infections) because my test results were very high - the highest she had seen in a very long time. And she suspected it had been causing my headaches.
I took pills and pills and more pills. I cut dairy out of my diet and noticed a drastic improvement in my joint pain.
She sent me to a hospital in Manhattan to have a brain CT scan and a brain Spect Scan, to check to see if the Lyme disease had crossed the blood-brain barrier and entered my neurological system. Thankfully, it had not.
She retested my ANA (the test commonly used for lupus) and this time it was positive (these tests can fluctuate). For all intents and purposes, I did also have lupus. But her opinion (and I've heard this elsewhere) is that it was Lyme-induced lupus. Usually, lupus is treated first and foremost with steroids to suppress your immune system because your immune system is overactive and attacking your own body. But one of the worst things (in my own opinion) for a Lyme patient is to take steroids because your immune system is struggling to keep up as it is. You need to support it rather than suppress it (remember back in one of my earlier posts, when the first rheumatologist told me he could put me on a "safe" medicine to help me feel better? I'm pretty sure it was a steroid, and that could have severely worsened my infection). So we decided to continue treating for the co-infections and Lyme and to just ignore the lupus. I wasn't noticing any new/abnormal symptoms different than what I had already been dealing with anyway.
At some point, we tested my Ferritin level and that was low. Ferritin is basically your body's storage of iron. I started on Iron supplements.
I took probiotics to try to help my body replenish the good bacteria that were being killed by the antibiotics I took every day.
We retested levels and started seeing improvements. My co-infections were decreasing. The viruses were decreasing. My nutrient deficiencies were improving. The tapeworm was gone. My headaches were greatly diminished along with my joint pain. My energy level was better. By this point, we're somewhere around the end of 2008/beginning of 2009.
But I've skipped part of the story - of when I moved back to Florida and met my husband-to-be. Until the next time...
We started treatment right away. I went on antibiotics for the UTI and she started me on nutritional supplements. I took something to kill the tapeworm. She told me to cut dairy out of my diet completely - and that I would probably notice the joint pain in my hips go away (a very strange symptom of food allergies in my opinion). She gave me a symptom chart to fill out everyday, to track what was happening with my body.
Oh, and I forgot to mention - she was another doctor that did not take insurance. There is a big, strange cloud surrounding Lyme disease that scares the CDC, health insurance companies, most doctors... and many of them deny the seriousness of Lyme disease, if they are willing to even diagnose it to begin with. It's absolutely baffling to me. Maybe I'll post more on that another time. Anyway, because of this, most doctors that know much about Lyme disease don't take insurance because (I think) they can't treat the disease when their hands are tied by insurance companies who tell them what they are allowed to give to patients and how long they can treat them for. The commonly held opinion is that 1 month of antibiotics will take care of Lyme disease, and that chronic Lyme disease doesn't exist (in other words, 1 month and you're cured for good). There are many people that are living truth of the absurdity of this claim. (If you're interested in knowing more about others' opinions on this matter, there's a great documentary out called Under Our Skin and it's available on Netflix Instant Queue). But enough about that for now.
I think in the beginning I was seeing the doctor every 2-4 weeks. I started on antibiotics for the Ehrlichiosis infection. We didn't start treating the Lyme disease right away, because you have to get the co-infections out of the way before you can effectively treat the Lyme disease. We started with the Ehrlichiosis (out of our 3 choices of co-infections) because my test results were very high - the highest she had seen in a very long time. And she suspected it had been causing my headaches.
I took pills and pills and more pills. I cut dairy out of my diet and noticed a drastic improvement in my joint pain.
She sent me to a hospital in Manhattan to have a brain CT scan and a brain Spect Scan, to check to see if the Lyme disease had crossed the blood-brain barrier and entered my neurological system. Thankfully, it had not.
She retested my ANA (the test commonly used for lupus) and this time it was positive (these tests can fluctuate). For all intents and purposes, I did also have lupus. But her opinion (and I've heard this elsewhere) is that it was Lyme-induced lupus. Usually, lupus is treated first and foremost with steroids to suppress your immune system because your immune system is overactive and attacking your own body. But one of the worst things (in my own opinion) for a Lyme patient is to take steroids because your immune system is struggling to keep up as it is. You need to support it rather than suppress it (remember back in one of my earlier posts, when the first rheumatologist told me he could put me on a "safe" medicine to help me feel better? I'm pretty sure it was a steroid, and that could have severely worsened my infection). So we decided to continue treating for the co-infections and Lyme and to just ignore the lupus. I wasn't noticing any new/abnormal symptoms different than what I had already been dealing with anyway.
At some point, we tested my Ferritin level and that was low. Ferritin is basically your body's storage of iron. I started on Iron supplements.
I took probiotics to try to help my body replenish the good bacteria that were being killed by the antibiotics I took every day.
We retested levels and started seeing improvements. My co-infections were decreasing. The viruses were decreasing. My nutrient deficiencies were improving. The tapeworm was gone. My headaches were greatly diminished along with my joint pain. My energy level was better. By this point, we're somewhere around the end of 2008/beginning of 2009.
But I've skipped part of the story - of when I moved back to Florida and met my husband-to-be. Until the next time...
Finally some answers! (LD Post #4)
Where were we? July of 2007 in NJ
I was about ready to give up looking for answers to what was wrong with me, but by the grace of God, I decided to give one more doctor a chance (I'm sure there would have been more doctors after her at some point - but since she found the answers, she's the "last" one I went to :-)
Based off of some old notes, I'll attempt to make a list of the symptoms I had been experiencing up to that point.
I made an appointment with the doctor. She mailed me a packet of papers (10+ pages) to fill out and bring to my first appointment. It was extremely detailed, and I did my best to answer the questions accurately which can be difficult since many symptoms come and go... and the memory loss makes it difficult to remember!
I can't remember how long I waited to see her - she was usually backed up since she was the only doctor and she took as much time with each patient as was necessary. Anyway, we reviewed the papers I filled out - page by page, line by line - and she was fairly convinced I had Lyme disease just based on my symptoms. She drew many vials of blood and sent me home with a kit to do a stool test to mail to a lab. Yuck.
I returned 3 weeks later or so to go over the results. Here is what she found, what 15+ medical professionals were not able to figure out.
But I shall end this post here. I have already typed an additional 7 paragraphs expounding on the above information - and I wouldn't want to overwhelm you with too much information at one time. And the story continues...
I was about ready to give up looking for answers to what was wrong with me, but by the grace of God, I decided to give one more doctor a chance (I'm sure there would have been more doctors after her at some point - but since she found the answers, she's the "last" one I went to :-)
Based off of some old notes, I'll attempt to make a list of the symptoms I had been experiencing up to that point.
- Headaches/Migraines
- Extreme Fatigue
- Depression
- Dizziness
- Loss of Appetite
- IBS
- Muscle Pain
- Joint pain, especially bad in my hips
- Head Cloud/Brain Fog
- Inability to focus/think/concentrate
- Anger/Irritability
- Irregular Periods
- Skin problems
- Shaky/unsteady
- Weakness
- Fuzzy Vision
- Weight Gain & Loss
- Hair Loss
- TMJ
- Cold extremities/bad circulation
- Swollen eyelids
- Memory Loss
I made an appointment with the doctor. She mailed me a packet of papers (10+ pages) to fill out and bring to my first appointment. It was extremely detailed, and I did my best to answer the questions accurately which can be difficult since many symptoms come and go... and the memory loss makes it difficult to remember!
I can't remember how long I waited to see her - she was usually backed up since she was the only doctor and she took as much time with each patient as was necessary. Anyway, we reviewed the papers I filled out - page by page, line by line - and she was fairly convinced I had Lyme disease just based on my symptoms. She drew many vials of blood and sent me home with a kit to do a stool test to mail to a lab. Yuck.
I returned 3 weeks later or so to go over the results. Here is what she found, what 15+ medical professionals were not able to figure out.
- Lyme disease
- Babesia (co-infection - I'll explain that more later)
- Ehrlichiosis (another co-infection)
- Bartonella (and another co-infection)
- Low potassium level
- Low vitamin D level
- Asymptomatic urinary tract infection
- High levels of a few different viruses, including the Epstein Barr Virus - now up to 2440
- Tapeworm
- Dairy allergy
- Extremely depleted immune system - this one takes some explaining
But I shall end this post here. I have already typed an additional 7 paragraphs expounding on the above information - and I wouldn't want to overwhelm you with too much information at one time. And the story continues...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
My Last Resort (LD Post #3)
I really had tried to consider all of the different possibilities of what was wrong with me. I spent a lot of time researching my symptoms, trying to figure out what the problem was. I considered allergies, black mold, lupus, anemia, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, hypoglycemia, mad cow disease, pesticide exposure... and so on. I would bring my theories to my current doctor and they would run tests to see if that was the problem. But answers kept evading me and my symptoms continued to worsen.
I had been going back to NJ fairly regularly to work in the greenhouses (the family business) during busy times. It seemed that my symptoms weren't so bad when I was up there, and so at the end of 2006 I decided to move back to NJ. I was only getting sicker and sicker in Florida with no end in sight. A favorite quote of mine is from Albert Einstein: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So I decided to make a change and hoped for something different.
I moved in with my sister (she might have been a big reason why I felt better in NJ - sisters are good for the body & soul). I started out by seeing a Rheumatologist in NJ, to revisit the possibility of lupus, but the blood work was negative. Then I saw another doctor (a general practitioner - GP) in NJ, highly recommended by a few people. He referred me to an infectious disease doctor. I saw him, explained my medical history and he did an exam and sent my blood away for testing. Unfortunately, he did not take any insurance so this was an expensive visit. I do also remember having my worst ever experience with a phlebotomist (the person who draws your blood). And believe me, I know a thing or two about how blood should be drawn. I had been poked and prodded and bled so many times, I knew it wasn't normal for the tech to put the needle into my arm and then wiggle it around until she hit the vein she was trying to find. Ugh.
Back to the infectious disease doctor... I saw him again to go over the results of the blood work. Honestly, I don't even remember this visit. I just know that I saw him 2 or 3 times, but he had no answers for me either.
I continued to see the GP that sent me to see the infectious disease doctor. He tested me for the Epstein-Barr Virus (similar to mono, often associated with chronic fatigue) and my levels were crazy high (that's in strictest medical terms). In all seriousness, when they test you for the virus, there is a certain number range they use. If it's below 100, it's considered a negative result. 100-120 is equivocal. Greater than 120 is considered positive. My result was 1884. Crazy high.
He started me on B12 shots. There is not a straightforward treatment for viruses, but he said B12 shots have been known to help people with chronic fatigue. I needed the shots every week so he showed me how to do it myself and wrote me a prescription for the supplies. It wasn't bad, and thankfully I've never had a fear of needles or blood or most things medical.
Again, I don't remember exactly what happened next. We went into our busy spring season at work, and that probably kept me distracted. I was popping Motrin on a regular basis so I could function. Without it, the joint pain was almost crippling.
Skipping ahead to July of 2007... I never used to hate going to the doctor, but by this point I had developed a strong distaste for it. I had spent countless hours in doctors' offices, to no avail. It felt like a waste of time. I was tired of being patronized and not listened to. And even the doctors that did listen to me had no solid answers. I reached the point of accepting the diagnosis of chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. After fighting it for years, I was ready to accept that this was my life now. Fatigue and pain and headaches and depression were there to stay.
My paths crossed with a woman I had known most of my life. I shared a bit of the reasons why I was back in NJ with her, and she told me that she, her husband and her son all had Lyme disease and that I should see their doctor. She mentioned another family that I knew that also used this doctor. I thanked her and took the doctor's information, still undecided if it was worth another doctor visit. But let's save that story for the next post.
FYI, I don't remember many of the medical details but thanks to my handy dandy folder, I can fill many of them in. What folder is this, you ask? It's a folder I started keeping when I realized I wasn't getting any answers and I needed to start trying to figure things out myself. It has most of the blood work I've had done since that first positive ANA test, a list of the symptoms I was experiencing, along with other important medical info. It's about 2 inches thick. I spent a lot of time going over those papers, learning how to read blood tests and what all those little itemized lines were checking for specifically. I feel as though I could slide into a job in the medical field without much extra training because of all of the research I've done on my own (okay, realistically so not true). But it feels that way.
Until the next time, friends...
I had been going back to NJ fairly regularly to work in the greenhouses (the family business) during busy times. It seemed that my symptoms weren't so bad when I was up there, and so at the end of 2006 I decided to move back to NJ. I was only getting sicker and sicker in Florida with no end in sight. A favorite quote of mine is from Albert Einstein: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So I decided to make a change and hoped for something different.
I moved in with my sister (she might have been a big reason why I felt better in NJ - sisters are good for the body & soul). I started out by seeing a Rheumatologist in NJ, to revisit the possibility of lupus, but the blood work was negative. Then I saw another doctor (a general practitioner - GP) in NJ, highly recommended by a few people. He referred me to an infectious disease doctor. I saw him, explained my medical history and he did an exam and sent my blood away for testing. Unfortunately, he did not take any insurance so this was an expensive visit. I do also remember having my worst ever experience with a phlebotomist (the person who draws your blood). And believe me, I know a thing or two about how blood should be drawn. I had been poked and prodded and bled so many times, I knew it wasn't normal for the tech to put the needle into my arm and then wiggle it around until she hit the vein she was trying to find. Ugh.
Back to the infectious disease doctor... I saw him again to go over the results of the blood work. Honestly, I don't even remember this visit. I just know that I saw him 2 or 3 times, but he had no answers for me either.
I continued to see the GP that sent me to see the infectious disease doctor. He tested me for the Epstein-Barr Virus (similar to mono, often associated with chronic fatigue) and my levels were crazy high (that's in strictest medical terms). In all seriousness, when they test you for the virus, there is a certain number range they use. If it's below 100, it's considered a negative result. 100-120 is equivocal. Greater than 120 is considered positive. My result was 1884. Crazy high.
He started me on B12 shots. There is not a straightforward treatment for viruses, but he said B12 shots have been known to help people with chronic fatigue. I needed the shots every week so he showed me how to do it myself and wrote me a prescription for the supplies. It wasn't bad, and thankfully I've never had a fear of needles or blood or most things medical.
Again, I don't remember exactly what happened next. We went into our busy spring season at work, and that probably kept me distracted. I was popping Motrin on a regular basis so I could function. Without it, the joint pain was almost crippling.
Skipping ahead to July of 2007... I never used to hate going to the doctor, but by this point I had developed a strong distaste for it. I had spent countless hours in doctors' offices, to no avail. It felt like a waste of time. I was tired of being patronized and not listened to. And even the doctors that did listen to me had no solid answers. I reached the point of accepting the diagnosis of chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. After fighting it for years, I was ready to accept that this was my life now. Fatigue and pain and headaches and depression were there to stay.
My paths crossed with a woman I had known most of my life. I shared a bit of the reasons why I was back in NJ with her, and she told me that she, her husband and her son all had Lyme disease and that I should see their doctor. She mentioned another family that I knew that also used this doctor. I thanked her and took the doctor's information, still undecided if it was worth another doctor visit. But let's save that story for the next post.
FYI, I don't remember many of the medical details but thanks to my handy dandy folder, I can fill many of them in. What folder is this, you ask? It's a folder I started keeping when I realized I wasn't getting any answers and I needed to start trying to figure things out myself. It has most of the blood work I've had done since that first positive ANA test, a list of the symptoms I was experiencing, along with other important medical info. It's about 2 inches thick. I spent a lot of time going over those papers, learning how to read blood tests and what all those little itemized lines were checking for specifically. I feel as though I could slide into a job in the medical field without much extra training because of all of the research I've done on my own (okay, realistically so not true). But it feels that way.
Until the next time, friends...
Monday, August 29, 2011
And the saga continues... (LD Post #2)
If you haven't read my last post yet, you might want to. Otherwise you'll be a little lost...
So my daily migraines had started, and this is where I remember a drastic change to my quality of life. I'd always been a very involved and active person. I was working full time, taking college classes at night, playing in the church orchestra, helping out with the youth group and leading the youth band, playing in another band, in a Bible study, spending time with friends... but I gradually started paring down my schedule. I didn't have the energy to participate in everything, so I had to start picking and choosing. When the migraines started, I really cut out my involvement on a number of things because I felt as though I was completely unreliable. I became scared to drive, because I didn't trust myself. The headaches clouded my thinking, my eyesight was affected, my ability to focus and pay attention was drastically depleted.
I withdrew. I spent a lot of time sleeping, completely exhausted. I was still working with the family business, but my hours were very low. I remember a time when I was happy if I could put in 5 hours of work in a week. I felt like a hypochondriac, like a failure. I figured I must be doing something wrong, that if I tried harder I could do all of these things that used to be so easy but now seemed insurmountable to me. Because of course, there was nothing wrong with me. I had been checked out by multiple doctors, been on different medicines, been told it was all in my head and that I just needed to go on antidepressants (which I tried and it didn't help).
At some point, I started developing severe joint pain in my hips and legs. Some days it hurt so bad I could barely walk. I felt like an 80 year old woman when I climbed the stairs at my parents' house - one, slow painful step at a time. And my symptoms continued to worsen.
Thankfully, I would have a reprieve in my symptoms here in there. I would feel terrible for a while, and then start to feel better. I would be so hopeful that I was better, that God had finally seen fit to end my years of suffering... and I would crash again into misery. This happened countless times. I finally stopped hoping on my good days, because the discouragement when my symptoms returned in force was too painful.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick," Proverbs 13:12a
Back to the medical side... I had an MRI done on my head to make sure there wasn't a tumor or something causing my daily migraines. There wasn't.
By now, it was apparent that there was something wrong with me (even to the doctors) but a lack of medical proof as to what was wrong. The doctors were telling me it was fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, which are diagnosises of exclusion. There is no specific test that can diagnose either of those illnesses. It's what they tell you you have when your symptoms fit and there is no other apparent problem.
I didn't want to accept that as my diagnosis, because then there wasn't anything I could do to get rid of it or feel better. I would just have to learn how to live with the way I was feeling.
I still suspected that I might have Lyme disease, but I was starting to get the impression that doctors in Florida were not well-versed in dealing with Lyme disease. At the end of 2006, I decided to move back to New Jersey in hopes of finding a doctor that might have some answers.
Inexplicably, my symptoms also seemed to be less severe when I was up North. I didn't know if there was just something in Florida that completely disagreed with me - allergies, molds, the weather? So I moved back to NJ, in search of better health.
...to be continued...
So my daily migraines had started, and this is where I remember a drastic change to my quality of life. I'd always been a very involved and active person. I was working full time, taking college classes at night, playing in the church orchestra, helping out with the youth group and leading the youth band, playing in another band, in a Bible study, spending time with friends... but I gradually started paring down my schedule. I didn't have the energy to participate in everything, so I had to start picking and choosing. When the migraines started, I really cut out my involvement on a number of things because I felt as though I was completely unreliable. I became scared to drive, because I didn't trust myself. The headaches clouded my thinking, my eyesight was affected, my ability to focus and pay attention was drastically depleted.
I withdrew. I spent a lot of time sleeping, completely exhausted. I was still working with the family business, but my hours were very low. I remember a time when I was happy if I could put in 5 hours of work in a week. I felt like a hypochondriac, like a failure. I figured I must be doing something wrong, that if I tried harder I could do all of these things that used to be so easy but now seemed insurmountable to me. Because of course, there was nothing wrong with me. I had been checked out by multiple doctors, been on different medicines, been told it was all in my head and that I just needed to go on antidepressants (which I tried and it didn't help).
At some point, I started developing severe joint pain in my hips and legs. Some days it hurt so bad I could barely walk. I felt like an 80 year old woman when I climbed the stairs at my parents' house - one, slow painful step at a time. And my symptoms continued to worsen.
Thankfully, I would have a reprieve in my symptoms here in there. I would feel terrible for a while, and then start to feel better. I would be so hopeful that I was better, that God had finally seen fit to end my years of suffering... and I would crash again into misery. This happened countless times. I finally stopped hoping on my good days, because the discouragement when my symptoms returned in force was too painful.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick," Proverbs 13:12a
Back to the medical side... I had an MRI done on my head to make sure there wasn't a tumor or something causing my daily migraines. There wasn't.
By now, it was apparent that there was something wrong with me (even to the doctors) but a lack of medical proof as to what was wrong. The doctors were telling me it was fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, which are diagnosises of exclusion. There is no specific test that can diagnose either of those illnesses. It's what they tell you you have when your symptoms fit and there is no other apparent problem.
I didn't want to accept that as my diagnosis, because then there wasn't anything I could do to get rid of it or feel better. I would just have to learn how to live with the way I was feeling.
I still suspected that I might have Lyme disease, but I was starting to get the impression that doctors in Florida were not well-versed in dealing with Lyme disease. At the end of 2006, I decided to move back to New Jersey in hopes of finding a doctor that might have some answers.
Inexplicably, my symptoms also seemed to be less severe when I was up North. I didn't know if there was just something in Florida that completely disagreed with me - allergies, molds, the weather? So I moved back to NJ, in search of better health.
...to be continued...
How it all began (LD Post #1)
So when did I contract Lyme disease? I have no idea. I lived in New Jersey and spent a lot of time in upstate NY and in Massachusetts. I could have gotten it at any point. But I never noticed the "tell-tale" target shaped rash. They say 50% of people who have been infected don't notice or get the rash.
I move to Florida in the fall of 2001. September 9th, 2001 to be exact.
I had a good first year in Florida. My sister and I traveled to Holland, England, Scotland and Ireland in the summer of 2002 for an amazing whirlwind one week trip. I had a hard time keeping up with my speed-walking sister and was fairly tired, but didn't think anything of it.
When we got home, the fatigue continued... and steadily got worse. I saw a doctor and had some blood work done, and the test came back with a positive ANA. In laymen's terms, it was a good indicator that I had lupus and the doctor sent me to a rheumatologist (a specialist that treats lupus). He told me I didn't have enough symptoms of lupus to diagnosis me, but told me he could put me on medicine that might make me feel better. I was opposed to taking meds without knowing what was wrong with me, so I declined (I've found out down the road how good of a decision that was, thanks be to God!).
This is where my history gets a little bit muddled. I chalk it up to the Lyme disease and fatigue. Unfortunately, there are huge chunks of my life that I really don't recall. Lyme disease can cause memory loss. I don't know how much of my lack of memory is normal and how much is because of the Lyme disease. But I guess it doesn't matter why I can't remember.
Let's see...
- I saw an herbalist for a little while and took lots and lot of pills and supplements to see if it would help. It did for a little while, but then I seemed to crash back down into fatigue again.
- I saw another doctor for a second opinion. He said I looked perfectly healthy and maybe I should go on antidepressants.
- At some point in all of this mess, I had a doctor (or 2) test me for Lyme disease because I suspected that could be the problem, but the tests came back negative (more on that subject later).
- I saw a homeopathic doctor that was recommended to me by some friends who had been successfully treated for cancer by him. It helped... for a while. It also cost a lot of money.
- I saw another doctor at some point in there. He told me I needed to exercise more and that he could put me on antidepressants if I wanted (notice a trend here?).
- I saw another doctor, recommended by a friend who had been treated for Lyme disease. He was probably the best out of the bunch. He actually listened to me. But the test for Lyme came back negative, according to the CDC standard of testing for Lyme disease.
What's the CDC standard? It's a little complicated to explain - this link is to an article on the subject. Basically, the test checks certain bands of your DNA to see if you're infected. It has to show up in 5+ bands of your DNA to be positive. I only had it present in 2 bands of DNA. So, according to them, I wasn't infected. Yeah. Sure. Thanks guys.
But this doctor still went ahead and treated me with antibiotics - better safe than sorry, he said. He put me on a one month course. I don't even remember if I felt better or not after that.
FYI, we're probably somewhere in 2006 now. We've covered about four years.
Somewhere around that time, I started having migraines which gradually became a daily occurrence. Talk about miserable. It was hard enough to function being drastically fatigued all the time (not to mention the brain fog I was experiencing because of the Lyme) but when you add daily headaches on top of it...
But that's enough for now. I know I have a hard time reading long emails/posts before my attention starts to wander. Did I stop in time? Do I still have your attention? :-)
I move to Florida in the fall of 2001. September 9th, 2001 to be exact.
I had a good first year in Florida. My sister and I traveled to Holland, England, Scotland and Ireland in the summer of 2002 for an amazing whirlwind one week trip. I had a hard time keeping up with my speed-walking sister and was fairly tired, but didn't think anything of it.
When we got home, the fatigue continued... and steadily got worse. I saw a doctor and had some blood work done, and the test came back with a positive ANA. In laymen's terms, it was a good indicator that I had lupus and the doctor sent me to a rheumatologist (a specialist that treats lupus). He told me I didn't have enough symptoms of lupus to diagnosis me, but told me he could put me on medicine that might make me feel better. I was opposed to taking meds without knowing what was wrong with me, so I declined (I've found out down the road how good of a decision that was, thanks be to God!).
This is where my history gets a little bit muddled. I chalk it up to the Lyme disease and fatigue. Unfortunately, there are huge chunks of my life that I really don't recall. Lyme disease can cause memory loss. I don't know how much of my lack of memory is normal and how much is because of the Lyme disease. But I guess it doesn't matter why I can't remember.
Let's see...
- I saw an herbalist for a little while and took lots and lot of pills and supplements to see if it would help. It did for a little while, but then I seemed to crash back down into fatigue again.
- I saw another doctor for a second opinion. He said I looked perfectly healthy and maybe I should go on antidepressants.
- At some point in all of this mess, I had a doctor (or 2) test me for Lyme disease because I suspected that could be the problem, but the tests came back negative (more on that subject later).
- I saw a homeopathic doctor that was recommended to me by some friends who had been successfully treated for cancer by him. It helped... for a while. It also cost a lot of money.
- I saw another doctor at some point in there. He told me I needed to exercise more and that he could put me on antidepressants if I wanted (notice a trend here?).
- I saw another doctor, recommended by a friend who had been treated for Lyme disease. He was probably the best out of the bunch. He actually listened to me. But the test for Lyme came back negative, according to the CDC standard of testing for Lyme disease.
What's the CDC standard? It's a little complicated to explain - this link is to an article on the subject. Basically, the test checks certain bands of your DNA to see if you're infected. It has to show up in 5+ bands of your DNA to be positive. I only had it present in 2 bands of DNA. So, according to them, I wasn't infected. Yeah. Sure. Thanks guys.
But this doctor still went ahead and treated me with antibiotics - better safe than sorry, he said. He put me on a one month course. I don't even remember if I felt better or not after that.
FYI, we're probably somewhere in 2006 now. We've covered about four years.
Somewhere around that time, I started having migraines which gradually became a daily occurrence. Talk about miserable. It was hard enough to function being drastically fatigued all the time (not to mention the brain fog I was experiencing because of the Lyme) but when you add daily headaches on top of it...
But that's enough for now. I know I have a hard time reading long emails/posts before my attention starts to wander. Did I stop in time? Do I still have your attention? :-)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Hungry for an Elephant (Introduction)
So my sabbatical from blogging is over (not that I took one intentionally). Things got busy at work, I fell out of the habit (do 8 blog posts constitute a habit?) and then *big entrance music* the return of Lyme disease. I kind of expected this at some point, but it's completely different to expect something and to actually deal with it.
It has been something that has touched every aspect of my life - I find it's hard to write a blog post about anything else because it is the domineering thought in my head right now, that thing that if I'm not thinking about currently, it's just below the surface and I'll be thinking about it shortly. I guess that's one of the things taking multiple medicines at different intervals throughout the day can do to you.
I have a hard time writing a blog post about Lyme disease. I've had it for at least 10 years and it has dramatically affected my life. I have written at least 3 blog posts on the subject, but I can't seem to get them right - so I've yet to post one on the subject.
Writing about my struggle with Lyme disease forces me to dig deep into the emotions that I have shoved away and ignored as I've tried to deal with a long term illness. And let me tell you, there are a lot of different emotions - some closer to the surface, others buried deeply down.
The mental image that comes to mind is drilling for oil. If you hit a highly pressurized pocket of oil, it's going to come shooting out of there and you'd better hope you have some way of bringing it under control. All these emotions that I've been burying and ignoring won't go away. The pressure will just increase over time.
Every time I attempt to write about this chapter of my life, so many different emotions and memories come gushing out. I'm the kind of writer that writes what I'm thinking. I don't think ahead or plan what I'm going to write. I just start with the topic that's on my mind and see where it takes me.I process things as I write. And therein lies my problem. It's too big a subject for me to tackle that way.
Here's to eating the elephant one bite at a time.
It has been something that has touched every aspect of my life - I find it's hard to write a blog post about anything else because it is the domineering thought in my head right now, that thing that if I'm not thinking about currently, it's just below the surface and I'll be thinking about it shortly. I guess that's one of the things taking multiple medicines at different intervals throughout the day can do to you.
I have a hard time writing a blog post about Lyme disease. I've had it for at least 10 years and it has dramatically affected my life. I have written at least 3 blog posts on the subject, but I can't seem to get them right - so I've yet to post one on the subject.
Writing about my struggle with Lyme disease forces me to dig deep into the emotions that I have shoved away and ignored as I've tried to deal with a long term illness. And let me tell you, there are a lot of different emotions - some closer to the surface, others buried deeply down.
The mental image that comes to mind is drilling for oil. If you hit a highly pressurized pocket of oil, it's going to come shooting out of there and you'd better hope you have some way of bringing it under control. All these emotions that I've been burying and ignoring won't go away. The pressure will just increase over time.
Every time I attempt to write about this chapter of my life, so many different emotions and memories come gushing out. I'm the kind of writer that writes what I'm thinking. I don't think ahead or plan what I'm going to write. I just start with the topic that's on my mind and see where it takes me.I process things as I write. And therein lies my problem. It's too big a subject for me to tackle that way.
Here's to eating the elephant one bite at a time.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Lent
I've never given up anything for Lent before. I can't remember what my reasons were in the past, but I decided to do something this year.
I never really had a favorite holiday growing up (it doesn't help that Christmas & Easter have always been associated with looong hours at work in the family flower business). But a year or two after I moved to Florida, I attended a Maundy Thursday service at the Baptist church we were attending... basically, it's like a Good Friday service. I don't remember what was different about that service for me - but I still remember being strongly convicted about the sinfulness of my own heart and the suffering that Christ endured to make my salvation possible.
And I remember after mourning my sin and the death and brokenness of Jesus... how joyous it was Sunday morning to go to church and celebrate the Resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday. It was from that point that Good Friday and Easter became my favorite holidays.
If you're unfamiliar with it, Lent is the 40 days before Easter, mirroring Jesus' 40 day fast in the wilderness. It's not something that I grew up observing. It's always seemed a big part of the Catholic Church to me (especially growing up in Northern NJ).
I don't know when I started thinking differently about it, but I guess I've heard different friends over the past few years talking about Lent and what they were going to give up for Lent. (The deli in our hometown sold a lot of fish on Fridays during Lent... or was that all year round? I'm still confused on the matter).
The idea of giving something up is supposed to have different benefits for your spiritual life. When fasting from something, it serves as a reminder to you every time you think about eating that food... why you are abstaining. It reminds you of Jesus' own fast, of His journey to Calvary and His sacrifice there.
My attempt is to give up candy and to cut back my sugar intake significantly. This is fairly difficult for me, as I already eat gluten-free (I can't eat anything with wheat, rye or barley in it). I also eat limited amounts of dairy. So this leaves me with very few indulgences, and I have come to look forward to my little sugary snacks... and way too much sugar in my morning coffee.
It's something that is beneficial for me, and I'm thankful that I have the accountability of Lent as I do this. I think I realized today that the rough week I've been having health-wise (muscle aches, headache, fatigue) could possibly be sugar withdrawal... or maybe not. I have enough other stuff wrong with me that it could be something else (because I don't think I ate that much sugar... but I do find myself wanting it frequently...maybe I'm self-deceived).
I'm also thankful for the gift that my friend Jill sent. Check out this link for a picture of the gift (a wooden marker for the 40 days of Lent) and a great post on Lent at A Holy Experience. I'm thankful for the author's openness and honesty on the matter of fasting during Lent... and how she continues to fail. Giving something up for Lent is not to work towards salvation... as we cannot do anything to earn or keep our salvation.
If anything, striving for holiness and discipline in our lives will constantly remind us of how desperately we need our Savior, as we fail again and again. But that's the point. That's why the Law was given, according to Romans. Not to provide a way of salvation to mankind, but to show mankind that they could never ever fulfill the Law - no matter how hard they tried... even if they could get their outward actions to line up with the Law, their hearts were still desperately wicked. The Law was never meant to save - but to point us to the One who could save us.
I never really had a favorite holiday growing up (it doesn't help that Christmas & Easter have always been associated with looong hours at work in the family flower business). But a year or two after I moved to Florida, I attended a Maundy Thursday service at the Baptist church we were attending... basically, it's like a Good Friday service. I don't remember what was different about that service for me - but I still remember being strongly convicted about the sinfulness of my own heart and the suffering that Christ endured to make my salvation possible.
And I remember after mourning my sin and the death and brokenness of Jesus... how joyous it was Sunday morning to go to church and celebrate the Resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday. It was from that point that Good Friday and Easter became my favorite holidays.
If you're unfamiliar with it, Lent is the 40 days before Easter, mirroring Jesus' 40 day fast in the wilderness. It's not something that I grew up observing. It's always seemed a big part of the Catholic Church to me (especially growing up in Northern NJ).
I don't know when I started thinking differently about it, but I guess I've heard different friends over the past few years talking about Lent and what they were going to give up for Lent. (The deli in our hometown sold a lot of fish on Fridays during Lent... or was that all year round? I'm still confused on the matter).
The idea of giving something up is supposed to have different benefits for your spiritual life. When fasting from something, it serves as a reminder to you every time you think about eating that food... why you are abstaining. It reminds you of Jesus' own fast, of His journey to Calvary and His sacrifice there.
My attempt is to give up candy and to cut back my sugar intake significantly. This is fairly difficult for me, as I already eat gluten-free (I can't eat anything with wheat, rye or barley in it). I also eat limited amounts of dairy. So this leaves me with very few indulgences, and I have come to look forward to my little sugary snacks... and way too much sugar in my morning coffee.
It's something that is beneficial for me, and I'm thankful that I have the accountability of Lent as I do this. I think I realized today that the rough week I've been having health-wise (muscle aches, headache, fatigue) could possibly be sugar withdrawal... or maybe not. I have enough other stuff wrong with me that it could be something else (because I don't think I ate that much sugar... but I do find myself wanting it frequently...maybe I'm self-deceived).
I'm also thankful for the gift that my friend Jill sent. Check out this link for a picture of the gift (a wooden marker for the 40 days of Lent) and a great post on Lent at A Holy Experience. I'm thankful for the author's openness and honesty on the matter of fasting during Lent... and how she continues to fail. Giving something up for Lent is not to work towards salvation... as we cannot do anything to earn or keep our salvation.
If anything, striving for holiness and discipline in our lives will constantly remind us of how desperately we need our Savior, as we fail again and again. But that's the point. That's why the Law was given, according to Romans. Not to provide a way of salvation to mankind, but to show mankind that they could never ever fulfill the Law - no matter how hard they tried... even if they could get their outward actions to line up with the Law, their hearts were still desperately wicked. The Law was never meant to save - but to point us to the One who could save us.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Merging Two Lives
One of the things I get from my mother is the desire to start & complete a project in the same day, no matter how big it is... for fear that if we stop working on it, we'll never start again. Inevitably, we push ourselves to exhaustion and subconsciously program ourselves to not want to start that project again - because we were so exhausted by it the last time!
I'm thankful to be living with Daniel, with his much more logical male brain. I was a little surprised on Saturday when he came home from working a 9+ hour day and was ready to do some yard work. When I look at the yard full of leaves and bushes that need trimming and plants that need to be planted and others replanted... and compost that needs to be spread and twigs that need to be picked up... I see the whole job, and I wonder how in the world will we ever find the time to take care of this mess?
The same way you eat an elephant - one bite at a time... We put in a good hour of yard work, made a nice dent in the mountains of leaves that threaten to overtake our sidewalk and driveway. And then we went inside and relaxed a bit.
It feels that way when I look at the inside of our house also.
My stuff + his stuff + wedding presents = not enough space in our house
We are gradually wading through the items we have (when I say we - it's mostly me because I have the most stuff), deciding what is non-essential and getting rid of it in favor of having space to live in. It's so easy to hold onto items because of various attachments we have to them
- memories associated with the location we purchased it
- the person who gave it to us
- how long we've had it for
- or maybe it's that favorite zip up red sweatshirt I have that the color is fading and there are holes starting in the sleeves and I can't bear to give it away, but I also find myself hesitant to wear it because it makes me look slightly homeless (can you look slightly homeless?)
I don't want to be so attached to my stuff that it takes away from living my life. I don't want to have a home filled with items, making it difficult to keep the house clean and to have people over, to be unable to find what I know I have (possibly have at least 2 of) so I need to go out and buy another one... cluttering things up even more. I don't want to accumulate physical things. They're all so temporary. I want to live with what's essential and to be as loosely tied to this world as possible.
It forces me to approach shopping in a different way. I enjoy shopping and purchasing new items and imagining the possibilities that go along with the new items. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but if I'm honest with myself that's what I do. I see a cute shirt and think how nice it'll look on me (even though I already have plenty of nice shirts). Or there's a new pan or kitchen gadget that will help me prepare something new and different to eat (even though I could probably make it with what I already own). I remember when my cousin Beth bought a Jeep and said she was so excited about getting it, thinking - this will be great, we'll go off-roading and camping and all sort of fun outdoors stuff. With a shake of her head she said - no, it's not true. It doesn't matter what you buy - you're still the same person.
I try to remember to ask myself some questions when I'm shopping. Do I really need this? Do I have something already that can perform this task for me? Do I have space to keep this (that answer is almost always no right now!)? Is there something I can bear to part with to make the space to have this?
Looking in my closets, you wouldn't think that I wrote this blog. Most of them are a scattered mess... but we're getting there... gradually.
I'm thankful to be living with Daniel, with his much more logical male brain. I was a little surprised on Saturday when he came home from working a 9+ hour day and was ready to do some yard work. When I look at the yard full of leaves and bushes that need trimming and plants that need to be planted and others replanted... and compost that needs to be spread and twigs that need to be picked up... I see the whole job, and I wonder how in the world will we ever find the time to take care of this mess?
The same way you eat an elephant - one bite at a time... We put in a good hour of yard work, made a nice dent in the mountains of leaves that threaten to overtake our sidewalk and driveway. And then we went inside and relaxed a bit.
It feels that way when I look at the inside of our house also.
My stuff + his stuff + wedding presents = not enough space in our house
We are gradually wading through the items we have (when I say we - it's mostly me because I have the most stuff), deciding what is non-essential and getting rid of it in favor of having space to live in. It's so easy to hold onto items because of various attachments we have to them
- memories associated with the location we purchased it
- the person who gave it to us
- how long we've had it for
- or maybe it's that favorite zip up red sweatshirt I have that the color is fading and there are holes starting in the sleeves and I can't bear to give it away, but I also find myself hesitant to wear it because it makes me look slightly homeless (can you look slightly homeless?)
I don't want to be so attached to my stuff that it takes away from living my life. I don't want to have a home filled with items, making it difficult to keep the house clean and to have people over, to be unable to find what I know I have (possibly have at least 2 of) so I need to go out and buy another one... cluttering things up even more. I don't want to accumulate physical things. They're all so temporary. I want to live with what's essential and to be as loosely tied to this world as possible.
It forces me to approach shopping in a different way. I enjoy shopping and purchasing new items and imagining the possibilities that go along with the new items. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but if I'm honest with myself that's what I do. I see a cute shirt and think how nice it'll look on me (even though I already have plenty of nice shirts). Or there's a new pan or kitchen gadget that will help me prepare something new and different to eat (even though I could probably make it with what I already own). I remember when my cousin Beth bought a Jeep and said she was so excited about getting it, thinking - this will be great, we'll go off-roading and camping and all sort of fun outdoors stuff. With a shake of her head she said - no, it's not true. It doesn't matter what you buy - you're still the same person.
I try to remember to ask myself some questions when I'm shopping. Do I really need this? Do I have something already that can perform this task for me? Do I have space to keep this (that answer is almost always no right now!)? Is there something I can bear to part with to make the space to have this?
Looking in my closets, you wouldn't think that I wrote this blog. Most of them are a scattered mess... but we're getting there... gradually.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Teaching about Jesus' Burial to 2-4 year olds
I love kids. I find them generous with their love and forgiveness and highly entertaining. I feel like every week they do or say something hilarious. The other week, Miss Jean was encouraging the kids to say a prayer before they get out of bed in the morning. Very seriously, one of the boys raised his hand and with worry and confusion on his face, said "But I have bunk beds!" She assured him it was okay, that God hears prayers from bunk beds too.
Teaching Sunday School holds so many benefits for me. It challenges me to condense spiritual concepts into teachings that 2-4 and 5-7 year olds (depending on the week) can grasp. Granted, I often feel as though I've fallen short of that task.
Have you ever tried to hold the attention of a 2-4 year old for 10 minutes, keeping them sitting and listening?
The 5-7 year olds are a little easier to teach (for me, at least).
But I find myself mentally checking what I say to them. They are so formative at that age, and the things they are hearing in Sunday School (if they're paying attention, that is) are building part of their spiritual base of knowledge.
The last thing I want them to walk out of Sunday School thinking is "if I'm good, God will love me and I'll go to heaven." Granted, that is not a concept we ever desire to teach - salvation is based on Jesus' sacrifice and on grace. But try teaching that to a 5 year old! Sometimes it's easier than others, but it causes me to be so much more careful with my words and my examples and my applications.
And I fall short in praying about my times of teaching. I won't be able to break through to them or see what's going on in their cute little brains or if they're getting the Biblical concept I'm trying to explain to them. Only the Holy Spirit can do that and guide them into truth.
We've been working through the Bible over the past 2 years with them, using the curriculum He Has Spoken By His Son, put out by John Piper's ministry Children Desiring God
The biggest challenge of late has been Jesus' crucifixion, death (this week) and resurrection (next week).
How do you teach to children what Christ endured on the cross for us? How much is too much information for these little ones? How do you explain to a 3 year old that Jesus had nails driven through His hands and feet, endured an agonizing death... to save men from eternal damnation?
And then this week... we continue to talk about death... and His burial (see Matthew 27:57-66 Luke 23:50-56 John 19:38-42 ) I really don't like talking to kids about death. I don't like making them sad and focusing on the destructive force of sin in this world. But it's truth and reality and something they will face more and more as they age. I also feel the pressure of teaching them correctly, of not mishandling the word of God.
I am thankful for a church committed to the Bible, to teaching it's whole truth. I am thankful to be teaching with other women of God who have these same desires. I am thankful to be challenged to put spiritual concepts into simpler terms for the little ones to understand. It challenges me to better understand them.
Teaching Sunday School holds so many benefits for me. It challenges me to condense spiritual concepts into teachings that 2-4 and 5-7 year olds (depending on the week) can grasp. Granted, I often feel as though I've fallen short of that task.
Have you ever tried to hold the attention of a 2-4 year old for 10 minutes, keeping them sitting and listening?
The 5-7 year olds are a little easier to teach (for me, at least).
But I find myself mentally checking what I say to them. They are so formative at that age, and the things they are hearing in Sunday School (if they're paying attention, that is) are building part of their spiritual base of knowledge.
The last thing I want them to walk out of Sunday School thinking is "if I'm good, God will love me and I'll go to heaven." Granted, that is not a concept we ever desire to teach - salvation is based on Jesus' sacrifice and on grace. But try teaching that to a 5 year old! Sometimes it's easier than others, but it causes me to be so much more careful with my words and my examples and my applications.
And I fall short in praying about my times of teaching. I won't be able to break through to them or see what's going on in their cute little brains or if they're getting the Biblical concept I'm trying to explain to them. Only the Holy Spirit can do that and guide them into truth.
We've been working through the Bible over the past 2 years with them, using the curriculum He Has Spoken By His Son, put out by John Piper's ministry Children Desiring God
The biggest challenge of late has been Jesus' crucifixion, death (this week) and resurrection (next week).
How do you teach to children what Christ endured on the cross for us? How much is too much information for these little ones? How do you explain to a 3 year old that Jesus had nails driven through His hands and feet, endured an agonizing death... to save men from eternal damnation?
And then this week... we continue to talk about death... and His burial (see Matthew 27:57-66 Luke 23:50-56 John 19:38-42 ) I really don't like talking to kids about death. I don't like making them sad and focusing on the destructive force of sin in this world. But it's truth and reality and something they will face more and more as they age. I also feel the pressure of teaching them correctly, of not mishandling the word of God.
I am thankful for a church committed to the Bible, to teaching it's whole truth. I am thankful to be teaching with other women of God who have these same desires. I am thankful to be challenged to put spiritual concepts into simpler terms for the little ones to understand. It challenges me to better understand them.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Learning to Pray and Trust
I am overwhelmed by so many things. So many things that seem so big to me, and I don't see the solution anywhere. It's easy to complain and be unsettled and worry, worry, worry. Often I forget that these things that cause me worry are good things and blessings in my life that the Lord has given to me, things that I was hoping and asking for - my job, my friends, my church family, my service at church, my health insurance, my health.
I was convicted on this while listening to one of Ginny Owens songs, Free.
Towards the beginning of the song, she sings "bearing gifts as if they're burdens..." There are so many people in this world that don't have a fraction of the things I do. I should be ashamed when I complain about the problems I face that come with all of these gifts that have been bestowed on me.
I'm so thankful for my friend Jill's blog for her continual discipline to praise God for all of the good things (in the midst of difficult circumstances) He has put in her life.
Living a life of praise and thankfulness is a discipline, not a natural outpouring of an easy and charmed life.
It's funny - I was mentally reviewing my list of worry-causing things yesterday as I was driving home from work. I am seeking to pray more about them instead of spending my time worrying about them. It was so much easier to live worry free when I was 18, 20.... when my life was mostly void of difficult and/or complicated situations and problems.
As I try to think about all those things right now, they are refusing to coalesce into my mentally compiled list. And I'm okay with that. I don't want to review it. Again. I need to learn to entrust these things to God, to believe His word.
Psalm 40:5
You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.
Oh, to live my life believing what I say I believe... it is what He intended.
I was convicted on this while listening to one of Ginny Owens songs, Free.
Towards the beginning of the song, she sings "bearing gifts as if they're burdens..." There are so many people in this world that don't have a fraction of the things I do. I should be ashamed when I complain about the problems I face that come with all of these gifts that have been bestowed on me.
I'm so thankful for my friend Jill's blog for her continual discipline to praise God for all of the good things (in the midst of difficult circumstances) He has put in her life.
Living a life of praise and thankfulness is a discipline, not a natural outpouring of an easy and charmed life.
It's funny - I was mentally reviewing my list of worry-causing things yesterday as I was driving home from work. I am seeking to pray more about them instead of spending my time worrying about them. It was so much easier to live worry free when I was 18, 20.... when my life was mostly void of difficult and/or complicated situations and problems.
As I try to think about all those things right now, they are refusing to coalesce into my mentally compiled list. And I'm okay with that. I don't want to review it. Again. I need to learn to entrust these things to God, to believe His word.
I Peter 5:6-7 (ESV)
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.Psalm 40:17
As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!
You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.
Oh, to live my life believing what I say I believe... it is what He intended.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
On Changing My Name - Phase #2
After the trip to the Social Security Office, it's been fairly smooth sailing.
One trip to the Tag Agency (aka DMV for the non-Floridians) for a new license. Done.
I went after work, and the wait was over an hour. So I got my ticket, went home (I live conveniently close by), put in the chicken for dinner, went back and waited for about 15 minutes til my number was called. Not too shabby. I even got a nice guy that asked if I wanted to update my voter registration at the same time... 2 birds with 1 stone.
I was hoping that they would take a new picture of me for the license, even though I just had it updated within the last year. The reason I had to have it updated... argh, it makes me angry to think about it. Long story short, I needed to have the corrective lenses restriction removed from my license (because I had Lasik!!...5 years ago - oops, slight oversight). Unfortunately, the whole incedent also required 2 court cases to get my CRIMINAL charge dropped because of the ticket (okay - not really a ticket. I couldn't just pay a fine and get out of it. I had to go to court) I got because I was driving without my (unnecessary) corrective lenses. Needless to say, my driver's license picture that day looked like one of the pictures they air on the news when someone has committed an awful crime, and they look for the worst, meanest looking picture possible of you to show to the condemning public.
My new picture is much nicer - no uni-bomber or child-killer picture for me.
Credit cards are way easier to do - just a phone call or a secure email does the trick.
A trip to my bank with my marriage licenses will take care of them.
And then it's all of the other random places I'll forget that I need to change my name at. I guess I'll figure out what they are as time goes by.
Next stops - combined insurance? combined bank account? budgeting???
Oh, and I really need to practice signing my new name - I'm having a hard time getting all the letters in there!
One trip to the Tag Agency (aka DMV for the non-Floridians) for a new license. Done.
I went after work, and the wait was over an hour. So I got my ticket, went home (I live conveniently close by), put in the chicken for dinner, went back and waited for about 15 minutes til my number was called. Not too shabby. I even got a nice guy that asked if I wanted to update my voter registration at the same time... 2 birds with 1 stone.
I was hoping that they would take a new picture of me for the license, even though I just had it updated within the last year. The reason I had to have it updated... argh, it makes me angry to think about it. Long story short, I needed to have the corrective lenses restriction removed from my license (because I had Lasik!!...5 years ago - oops, slight oversight). Unfortunately, the whole incedent also required 2 court cases to get my CRIMINAL charge dropped because of the ticket (okay - not really a ticket. I couldn't just pay a fine and get out of it. I had to go to court) I got because I was driving without my (unnecessary) corrective lenses. Needless to say, my driver's license picture that day looked like one of the pictures they air on the news when someone has committed an awful crime, and they look for the worst, meanest looking picture possible of you to show to the condemning public.
My new picture is much nicer - no uni-bomber or child-killer picture for me.
Credit cards are way easier to do - just a phone call or a secure email does the trick.
A trip to my bank with my marriage licenses will take care of them.
And then it's all of the other random places I'll forget that I need to change my name at. I guess I'll figure out what they are as time goes by.
Next stops - combined insurance? combined bank account? budgeting???
Oh, and I really need to practice signing my new name - I'm having a hard time getting all the letters in there!
Friday, February 25, 2011
On Changing My Name - Phase #1
I had always planned on changing my name when I got married - but it's another thing when you actually need to do it. I got over the weirdness of the fact that my name that I've had for 30 years will now be different, that I have to practice writing out my new last name because it has way more letters than my old name, and because it feels so unfamiliar to me!
But then there's the fact of the places you need to go to change your name. It would be nice if it was automatically done for you everywhere. I thought about using one of the online name change services, but my wise husband questioned the wisdom of putting all sorts of personal information into a questionably secure website on the internet. So I am going about it the old-fashioned way - paper, office visits and phone calls.
Yesterday, I made my first trip to the Social Security office. It's a good 45 minutes away from me (and they close at 3:30 - how exasperating!) but I was able to combine it with a work errand and make myself feel a little better about the long drive.
I was concerned when I arrived there at 3:15 if they would still process everything before they closed, but relieved to find out they issue the last number ticket at 3:30, but stay until 5 pm to finish up all the people there. And boy was it crowded! It was difficult to find a seat, but I found one. And I waited. The overhead speakers announced new numbers for service every minute or so - and it was obnoxiously loud, but I was thankful that they were moving people through rather quickly. One hour later (and 71 pages read in the book I brought with me) it was my turn.
I was most nervous that I didn't have everything with me that I needed to change my name and that I would need to make another trip back to finish everything (coupled with another long wait). But I was prepared, and 10 minutes later I had my new name!
Now it's on to a new license, updating bank accounts and credit cards...
And I still have a zillion thank you notes to write...
And the house is still fairly unorganized...
And our yard is an eyesore...
But we have much to be thankful for!
But then there's the fact of the places you need to go to change your name. It would be nice if it was automatically done for you everywhere. I thought about using one of the online name change services, but my wise husband questioned the wisdom of putting all sorts of personal information into a questionably secure website on the internet. So I am going about it the old-fashioned way - paper, office visits and phone calls.
Yesterday, I made my first trip to the Social Security office. It's a good 45 minutes away from me (and they close at 3:30 - how exasperating!) but I was able to combine it with a work errand and make myself feel a little better about the long drive.
I was concerned when I arrived there at 3:15 if they would still process everything before they closed, but relieved to find out they issue the last number ticket at 3:30, but stay until 5 pm to finish up all the people there. And boy was it crowded! It was difficult to find a seat, but I found one. And I waited. The overhead speakers announced new numbers for service every minute or so - and it was obnoxiously loud, but I was thankful that they were moving people through rather quickly. One hour later (and 71 pages read in the book I brought with me) it was my turn.
I was most nervous that I didn't have everything with me that I needed to change my name and that I would need to make another trip back to finish everything (coupled with another long wait). But I was prepared, and 10 minutes later I had my new name!
Now it's on to a new license, updating bank accounts and credit cards...
And I still have a zillion thank you notes to write...
And the house is still fairly unorganized...
And our yard is an eyesore...
But we have much to be thankful for!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
On Being Married
I like it.
A lot of it is the little things that make it so great.
We no longer have to drive 20-25 minutes to be able to spend a few hours together, before returning to our single lives. I get to see him every night.
It's nice to have someone to snuggle with.
It's great to actually cook and eat the food that you buy at the grocery store - because you're home every night instead of grabbing something quick while you're on your way somewhere.
It's nice to have a good reason to stay home for the night, other than "I feel lazy".
It's nice to have a roommate. My house had been feeling kind of lonely with just me in it.
It's so much easier to plan going places and hanging out with friends, when we're both at the same location - no figuring out whose house we're going to meet at (or just meet at whatever location we're going to).
It's fun to host parties together - I'm so thankful for a man who is observant, conscientious and helpful (and a good cook!) when it comes to things around the house.
I feel settled and at home with Daniel. Even though I've been living in the house for a year and a half, it hasn't felt complete until now.
I like having someone to do things for. I'm not as motivated when it's just me. I tend to clean up after myself a little better, cook more... and I'm trying to start exercising regularly again! I'm thankful to have a man that is concerned for my well-being and wants me to be healthy - but loves me just as I am.
I am blessed by God to have such a great husband to share this life with.
A lot of it is the little things that make it so great.
We no longer have to drive 20-25 minutes to be able to spend a few hours together, before returning to our single lives. I get to see him every night.
It's nice to have someone to snuggle with.
It's great to actually cook and eat the food that you buy at the grocery store - because you're home every night instead of grabbing something quick while you're on your way somewhere.
It's nice to have a good reason to stay home for the night, other than "I feel lazy".
It's nice to have a roommate. My house had been feeling kind of lonely with just me in it.
It's so much easier to plan going places and hanging out with friends, when we're both at the same location - no figuring out whose house we're going to meet at (or just meet at whatever location we're going to).
It's fun to host parties together - I'm so thankful for a man who is observant, conscientious and helpful (and a good cook!) when it comes to things around the house.
I feel settled and at home with Daniel. Even though I've been living in the house for a year and a half, it hasn't felt complete until now.
I like having someone to do things for. I'm not as motivated when it's just me. I tend to clean up after myself a little better, cook more... and I'm trying to start exercising regularly again! I'm thankful to have a man that is concerned for my well-being and wants me to be healthy - but loves me just as I am.
I am blessed by God to have such a great husband to share this life with.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Fears and Worries
What a whirlwind of feelings and emotions I am dealing with.
I am to be married in a week's time from tomorrow. I have waited for this day for so long and cannot wait to be with my love everyday. I hate saying goodbye, I hate not seeing him for a day or two or three.
But I'm also afraid. I'm afraid of being faced with my own selfishness, of having someone always around to see each and everyone of my faults that are so easy to cover up when I am living alone. I'm afraid of having to face my own sin that I have constructed blinders to ignore. From what I've read and come to understand, marriage is rich with blessings... and some of those blessings are hard blessings - sanctification. It is the closest relationship on earth, and by nature it will force us to confront sin in our own lives (that is, if we hope to have a healthy marriage). Are we up to it? I pray to God we are.
These steps we are taking are tremendous steps and they are driving me to prayer more and more. I have experienced stagnation in my prayer life over the past years - largely I think due to the "control" I feel I have over my own, single life. The more I keep outside influences and people at bay, the less there is I feel that is outside my realm of control, a false sense of control albeit.
I thought my dog, Heidi was going to die yesterday. She took a new medicine and I think it caused an extremely adverse reaction. I felt that I spent most of yesterday on a death watch. Thank the Lord, she's doing better today.
I think I'm so attached to her because she was there with me through my darkest times of my health struggle. I've had her for over 8 years. She can be a nightmare at times - barking, jumping on people, making messes - but she was there with me when all I could do was sleep day after day, when I had no energy to work or go places or even prepare meals for myself. I remember one day when I was laying on the sofa watching tv and she climbed up on the other end of the sofa, laid down and started inching her way towards my head until she got right next to me and just laid there with me. This was when she was still crazy hyper (thankfully, she's calmed down a bit in her older years) and would hardly sit still for a moment, but she did to comfort me.
While I was dealing with all of that yesterday, I kept thinking to myself - how in the world will I manage, if the Lord blesses us with children, when they get sick? I felt like I could hardly function yesterday. I couldn't focus on anything, hardly got anything done, and I was so worried about Heidi. How much more difficult will it be with my kids? Talk about being driven to my knees in prayer... how do parents do it?
As it is, I worry a lot. And in comparison, it's about stupid stuff. I could have a field day when it comes to my family. Oh, to trust my burdens to the Lord...
One week, and I will be a wife. I am so excited for this new journey in life, and so scared about the new trials I am to encounter. May the Lord find me faithful.
I am to be married in a week's time from tomorrow. I have waited for this day for so long and cannot wait to be with my love everyday. I hate saying goodbye, I hate not seeing him for a day or two or three.
But I'm also afraid. I'm afraid of being faced with my own selfishness, of having someone always around to see each and everyone of my faults that are so easy to cover up when I am living alone. I'm afraid of having to face my own sin that I have constructed blinders to ignore. From what I've read and come to understand, marriage is rich with blessings... and some of those blessings are hard blessings - sanctification. It is the closest relationship on earth, and by nature it will force us to confront sin in our own lives (that is, if we hope to have a healthy marriage). Are we up to it? I pray to God we are.
These steps we are taking are tremendous steps and they are driving me to prayer more and more. I have experienced stagnation in my prayer life over the past years - largely I think due to the "control" I feel I have over my own, single life. The more I keep outside influences and people at bay, the less there is I feel that is outside my realm of control, a false sense of control albeit.
I thought my dog, Heidi was going to die yesterday. She took a new medicine and I think it caused an extremely adverse reaction. I felt that I spent most of yesterday on a death watch. Thank the Lord, she's doing better today.
I think I'm so attached to her because she was there with me through my darkest times of my health struggle. I've had her for over 8 years. She can be a nightmare at times - barking, jumping on people, making messes - but she was there with me when all I could do was sleep day after day, when I had no energy to work or go places or even prepare meals for myself. I remember one day when I was laying on the sofa watching tv and she climbed up on the other end of the sofa, laid down and started inching her way towards my head until she got right next to me and just laid there with me. This was when she was still crazy hyper (thankfully, she's calmed down a bit in her older years) and would hardly sit still for a moment, but she did to comfort me.
While I was dealing with all of that yesterday, I kept thinking to myself - how in the world will I manage, if the Lord blesses us with children, when they get sick? I felt like I could hardly function yesterday. I couldn't focus on anything, hardly got anything done, and I was so worried about Heidi. How much more difficult will it be with my kids? Talk about being driven to my knees in prayer... how do parents do it?
As it is, I worry a lot. And in comparison, it's about stupid stuff. I could have a field day when it comes to my family. Oh, to trust my burdens to the Lord...
One week, and I will be a wife. I am so excited for this new journey in life, and so scared about the new trials I am to encounter. May the Lord find me faithful.
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